A
Path of Peace in the Field of Battle
An Israeli Officers Ethical Will To
His Children On The Eve Of Battle
"During the past year (2001) I have served
over sixty days active reserve service in the Al-Akasa Intifada and preparing
for war. During the same year, I have brought young people from Albania,
Brazil, Bulgaria, Costa Rica, Cyprus, Egypt, France, Georgia, Hungary, Germany,
Greece, Indonesia, Israel, Kazakhstan, Kenya, Kosovo, Lesotho, Nigeria,
Northern Ireland, Palestine, PDR Laos, Philippines, Republic of Ireland,
Russia, South Africa, Sri Lanka, Tanzania, The USA, Togo, Uganda, Uzbekistan,
Yugoslavia and others in peace leadership training and peace education
training".
This
book is an ethical will written by a father to his children just before he is
about to go off, once more, to combat. It was prepared at the request of
my wife, to leave for my children in case I am killed in combat." (From
the introduction)
A
chance encounter between the author and a Fulani tribesman of great wisdom from
Burkina Faso, in Germany acts as a catalyst for a journey of introspection that
distills the important aspects of life from the irrelevant. It is a testimony
that speaks to people as parents and individuals. It provides insight into the
crucible of battle that forms the understandings of those who participate in
them. It seeks to find serenity in the chaos.
Ultimately it is optimistic and life confirming in the
view of violent unnecessary death.
A person must have a clear picture of what he does
Learn to observe, Learn to listen
Chapter Two: Are People Evil Or Stupid
Chapter Three: Love Is Like Checkers
When love is perfection - shlemut
Chapter Four: God Chooses Your Family
Chapter Five: Up & Down The Ladder Of Change
Chapter Six: It's Your Body, But NO!
Chapter Seven: It's Hard To Remember A Lie
Chapter Eight: Fun Is Underestimated
Chapter Nine: Being Jewish, Or Anything Else
Chapter Ten: Between Peace & War
Chapter Eleven: Heroes & Leaders
Chapter Twelve: Moments & Things
Of the many books that have come out of Israel regarding war and its combatants "The Seventh Day", as an example, consists of dialogues and monologues of soldiers caught in the reality of the Six Day War, and speaks of the "purity of arms" and coins the expression "shooting and weeping". It describes soldiers caught in the moral dilemma of their task. During the past year (2001) I have served over sixty days active reserve service in the Al-Akasa Intifada and preparing for war. During the same year, I have brought young people from Albania, Brazil, Bulgaria, Costa Rica, Cyprus, Egypt, France, Georgia, Hungary, Germany, Greece, Indonesia, Israel, Kazakhstan, Kenya, Kosovo, Lesotho, Nigeria, Northern Ireland, Palestine, PDR Laos, Philippines, Republic of Ireland, Russia, South Africa, Sri Lanka, Tanzania, The USA, Togo, Uganda, Uzbekistan, Yugoslavia and others in peace leadership training and peace education training.
This
book is an ethical will written by a father to his children just before he is
about to go off, once more, to combat. It was prepared at the request of
my wife, to leave for my children in case I am killed in combat. It sheds light
on the moral world of the combat officer entrusted with the lives of men. It
speaks directly to our times as the USA, Britain and others mobilized their
armed forces sending their men and women off to battle in Afghanistan.
It is uniquely Middle Eastern, as it deals with the realities of this
seemingly intractable conflict.
For many the victory of the Alliance forces in Afghanistan seems like an unprecedented success. What armies could not do for millennia, the Americans have succeeded in record time. Once more Israel has seen an enemy vanquished by the hand of its American ally. For me, the successful campaign against the Taliban is partially a nightmare. For now war seems, once more, a viable option to many.
I have led men into battle, through battle and to the end of battle, but you can never lead men out of battle. It always stays with you. I fight because my country is at war, but I choose to labor for peace because I know war will solve nothing. This book is about my life as a veteran combat officer and my quest to make peace around me. I do not fight for peace, I try to gently pick up the pieces of a world I shattered and mend them. This book is about what you do not read in the papers. This book is about what I want my children to know when my luck runs out.
Five years ago I was a player in one of the little ironies of history, I was sitting with a Palestinian friend and peace co-worker thinking what the next step was to be. He is a descendant of the famous Grand Mufti of Jerusalem, the Haj Amin el Hussieni. The Grand Mufti was the father and spiritual leader of the Palestinian nationalist movement and a supporter of Adolf Hitler. I am a descendant of Rabbi Tzvi Hirsh Kalisher the spiritual father and early leader of the Religious Zionist Nationalist movement. For two years we have been working together on encounters between young Israelis and Palestinians, trying to undo the Gordian knot our forefathers had created.
We were sitting in the Orient House, the center of Palestinian political activity in Jerusalem, the bitterly contested capital of both national movements. His office was packed with computer equipment, part of the organizing stages of the fledgling Palestinian National Authority.
Sitting together, drinking coffee we felt we needed to change the dynamics of our people. "You know what the problem is? I said, the problem is we see ourselves as a problem, and as long as we do that we shall be stuck."
That thought was the starting point for a project we developed called “The Youth Institute”. Five years later, I am sitting in the community center of a church in Hanover Germany. I am here to participate in the Global Dialogue on Poverty, part of Expo 2000. I have been invited to provide a perspective on the connection between poverty, violent conflict and the role of civic society in dealing with these issues.
I am waiting for a colleague I have never met, to travel together to a meeting at the fair grounds. While sitting I am trying to take in the venue and circumstances of the moment, waiting my mind wanders in free association about:
The irony of lecturing about peace in Germany, the country that all but destroyed my family.
Sitting in a church that clearly has seen better days and is now trying to restructure itself in a less religious time, trying to adapt like many other things.
Taking in the differences in design of the neo gothic church and the newly built functional community center I am staying at. How style and functionality changes design.
As I sit and think I become aware of my companion coming down the stairs. He is a dark skinned African man dressed in a light blue traditional long shirt and pants and is wearing a small turban of wrapped cloth on his head. He is Mr. Boubacar, from Burkina Faso a country in Africa; I introduced myself and explained that I was told we were to travel together.
Mr. Boubacar is a slight man, at peace with himself and spiritually at ease with a smooth paced glide, a calm serene face and gentle voice. He brought to mind water in a stream, clear, refreshing, yielding yet extremely powerful. As we entered the taxi we exchanged cards and within a minute or so we were deep in discussion about the ethical and spiritual aspects of our respective work. He spoke of his work as a veterinarian and his efforts to teach his tribes people, the Fulani, about how to produce healthy milk. He spoke of his efforts to develop cooperation between the herders and the farmers in his country and about how poverty was a state of mind, an illness that needs spiritual and material healing. Most of all he spoke with great wisdom of the interdependence of environment, spirit, personal health and community well being. I spoke of what I do as we effortlessly entwined our understandings illuminating for one another aspects of our work. We spoke at length of how we arrived at the work we do mixing both personal narrative and political realities.
Completely out of the blue he said to me: "You should write a book about what you do and your perspective, but write it not for yourself, write it for others". I somehow felt that this meeting and this directive was not coincidental. I knew then that it was to be.
A year later, as I was telling this story to a friend, Howard Rheingold. His response was: "What an interesting character! Have you read Joseph Campbell's "Hero with a thousand faces" the hero is often summoned to his journey by such a character, and Sufi stories are full of such characters. This scene is THICK with magic". I am not a hero, and Mr. Boubacar is a real person with a phone number and an e-mail address, it was not magic but it was mystical and potent.
The second incident that led me to writing this was the tension leading up to my reserve military service at the end of 2000. I am a Major in the reserves of the IDF[1] and the commander of a mechanized infantry company. From the outset of the Al Akasa Intifada I was put on immediate alert. I packed my bags, phoned my officers and started preparing for what was to come. These phone calls are always hard, because the wives are always worried. I cannot honestly say that their loved ones will return home safely. All I can do is promise to try. I cannot explain why it is their husband being called and not the neighbor’s. I cannot explain all the political aspects of the situation and even if I could, I cannot change it. They know that, but they want someone to provide some sense of security that their husbands, the father of their children, will return home.
Three times
I sat on my back porch, in uniform, my gear packed, with family and friends,
waiting to be picked up. There is no excitement of impending battle or visions
of glory. All I feel is an overwhelming encompassing responsibility that gets
translated into a million details. By the time we finally went, at the end of
2000, the fighting was raging full force. This was not my first combat mission,
but things felt different, more lethal. I prepared all the military things I
needed and I decided to get my personal things in order, in case I did not
return. I discussed things with Lisa, my wife. She knew that these were not
normal times and asked that I write an ethical will for the children, that I
leave them with a map for life.
I decided to do this within the framework of the virtual community I participate in, Brainstorms, run by Howard Rheingold. Brainstorms is an Internet based discussion group made up of participants from around the world. I thought handing an ethical will to Lisa and my children before I left would be overwhelming, but I knew my friends at Brainstorms would get it to her and the kids, if I was killed. The format is letters to my children, for them to read after I was gone. My audience was my children but my friends at Brainstorms thought that I should publish the letters for a wider audience, this seemed completely out of proportion, in my eyes. A bit confused I decided to try to dismiss or validate the response and sent the letters to a few other choice people, and to my own family. The feedback I received has led me to publish these letters.
I am an American born Jew living in Israel for 30 years. Some of the details will be alien to you, but the essence is universal. If I fulfill with these words Mr. Boubacar’s directive, then I am truly blessed.
"No one tells you the real truth – that your destiny, heaven or hell, is in your own hands, and that no one but yourself can take you there"(Vinoba Bhave)
My Beloved Children,
As you know I am off to the army. Over the years we have gone through this ritual many times. A few days before I leave, I start collecting my equipment. I buy myself some Arabic coffee with Cardamom and start preparing you for the time I am gone. But this time the feeling is different, more intense, So much so that your mother has asked that I prepare an ethical will, since the chances of my not coming back are more than real. I want to leave you something of myself to guide you as you go through your life, if I am not around to be asked, or not around to provide a personal example.
But, my beloved children I owe you much more. I owe you an explanation of why I am going. Why I am going with the very clear knowledge that I might die, and leave you orphaned of your father.
Most people practice denial when they go to the army. Like they do when they smoke cigarettes, drive without a seatbelt or after they drink – " It won’t happen to me". But for me this is not the case. I know I can die. I know how I command. It has happened in the past as I walk point[2] ahead of my soldiers. I know that as carefully as I plan a mission our adversaries also plan. Murphy[3] is always in the roll call of an ambush or patrol, people make mistakes, and people die. Upon becoming an officer I made peace with the reality that this places me in a position where I will be the first to go.
This document will try to provide you with some insight as to why I behave the way I do, and why I am going. Why although you might pay a price, it is not "the ultimate price", but still, a price. Hopefully, if I write well you will be able to pay it with a tranquil pride. Not any foolish national pride, but pride that your father made his decision based on clear moral and ethical ideas. Stupidity of decision makers almost always precedes death in combat. It is not by definition honorable, although in war people perform acts of despicable depravity and of inspiring honor, it is just an outcome of war. But there is honor in living a life of intention, a life of purpose.
My Beloved Children
I wrote that there is honor in living a life of intention and of purpose. But what does that mean? Intention means that we have direction and intent and that we can gauge when we stray from them, it means we have a path. A path we can present to others and ourselves. How do we get there, how do we have intention and purpose? How do we find our path?
I believe that people should try to absorb what happens around them, not just observe, but absorb, and try to make a cohesive description of what life is about. When doing this you need to take all the information in, not just the stuff you feel comfortable with. If you paint a picture of life that does not include all the evidence: the injustice and the altruism, the racism and the mutual respect or your own shortcomings and strengths, then it will not hold up. If you do not take into account in your understanding ALL the evidence of life, then when that “exhibit” shows itself, your whole case falls into disarray. Needless to say this picture will change as you learn and experience new things. But the basics will stay the same.
I believe we should be able to explain to others and ourselves what we understand, and why we do what we do. Try it; explain out loud to yourself or someone else what you believe in, and why.
This should not an ad hoc explanation but a systematic one that goes back to your fundamental understanding of what you believe life is about. You should be able explain why you interact with people the way you do. Do you drop trash on the sidewalk or hold it till you find a wastebasket. Do you say good morning to the bus driver, or smile and say a good word to the worker at the check out counter. Do you speak out and fight about injustice done to others? Why you work at what you do and how you work. You should be able to clearly express your values and their implementation in every day life.
This does not provide a destination. It provides an azimuth and compass to keep you on track. It will lead you to opportunities and dissuade you from following other options. Do not worry about what "exactly" you will do. It will come in due time. In other words you should treat life as a series of value based conscious decisions.
But a word of caution: We ALL slip. We might think we "should" do A but end up doing B. I, for example, know I should not get impatient with you when you or I get overtired, but I do, ending up with me yelling, you crying and everyone feeling bad. If you miss, say you are sorry, and figure out a way to help you get past the same hurdle in the future. Always be willing to be the first to accept your part of the responsibility. It allows you to deal less in anger and more in reconciliation. Any time or emotions you spend on "getting even" or dwelling on hatred is wasted time. Time is lost forever once wasted, there is no deposit and it is non-refundable.
My Beloved Children
I wrote that a person should absorb of his/her environment. So how do you do that? Well this we have been working on since each one of you was born. It is not by chance that we spend so much time in nature. That we check out the ants, bugs, reptiles and plants. It has been very intentional on our part (mom & me) to teach you to be aware of your environment. All of nature has patterns. Even the branches of a tree have a pattern. Lie on your back and look up. The branches all seem like they are growing in all directions, but in reality there is order within the chaos. If you figure out the specific order for a given tree, it then becomes easy to see the bird nests, or the birds.
When we hike I have pointed out to you how to find the ancient burial caves before you get there, by following the pattern of the morphology you can see where man intervened.
When I was the educational director of the scouts in Israel, I was talking to a bunch of guides about this as we were driving. They did not really understand what I was talking about regarding patterns. As we passed a tree I asked the driver to stop and reverse to the tree we just passed. I got out of the car and pulled a chameleon off the tree and explained that once you get used to following patterns, noticing the differences is second nature. You just see things.
What you also need to do is to learn to listen. When you go out, listen to the racket nature makes, then put it into patterns. In reality it is a symphony, and just like with vision, hearing the unusual will become second nature.
But this is not true only for nature; it is true for human interaction also. Look at what happens around you and within you. If you can detect the patterns then it is harder to catch you off balance. The harder it is to unbalance you, the calmer you will be in the storms of life, the more you can attain, and the easier it will be to maintain your path. The calmer you are the more you attract others and the more soothing your presence is. It is a magic circle.
My Beloved Children
Always remember these three rules:
1 – Do not be afraid, be careful.
Fear comes mainly from ignorance. Do not fear snakes. Learn about them, know which ones to be careful of and which ones are OK. Do not fear challenges, prepare for them and proceed. Do not fear people, be compassionate and wield good-natured humor.
2 – Always leave the place you have been in a better condition than when you arrived.
Say good morning to the bus driver, give to the street musician, and pick up trash. It is the little things. When I milk in the dairy, after I finish, I always set up the gates of the pens for the next milkers. It is always a pleasant surprise at 3:30 AM to find that little gesture. I have milked over the years with every one of the other milkers and I always make a point of saying that we should set up the gates for the next guys. But as simple as it is, over ten years, I have found this courtesy done for me only twice. So do not think "Oh well everyone does this or that" - DO IT.
3 – Always keep a promise.
Do not promise what you are not sure you can do. Say you will try; say you think it can be done. But once you say, "I promise" your word is binding. Even if it means you lose time or money. But if for some reason, a VERY good reason you cannot keep your promise you are obligated to explain why.
Once a fellow officer of mine promised our truck driver he could go on leave. Just before he was to go on leave a different driver got sick and he was told he needed to stay. Needless to say he was very angry. I came up and said: "A promise to soldier is a promise we must keep, I have a truck license, I will drive". Over the protests of the Battalion commanders I sent the soldier home and drove the truck for two days, so we had a major driving and a sergeant as a commander.
My beloved children
Let us start with the general path; I believe that all of us are unique. Just as our fingerprints are unique, so our soul and person is. Where we stand no one else can stand nor can we stand in someone else’s place. If we did, his/her place would be crowded and ours empty.
Our task in life is to bring this uniqueness into being. To be the most Maya, R’oi or Ela that you can. How does one do this, well how I do it is the content of this ethical will. But remember, your task is different from mine; it is uniquely yours and it is your unique responsibility.
Do you remember a few years ago I split the pad of my thumb in two, while milking? I was very interested to see what would happen with my finger print pattern after my finger healed. Well it healed perfectly. The fingerprint is intact, no scar. You cannot escape who you are.
It is not by chance that this started with the words "I believe". One should believe. Our life is not rational, it is emotion, it is belief, and it is paradox. The last thing it is is rational.
So what do I believe? I believe that there is something that holds this planet and universe together. Maybe it is "the force" maybe it is God. It does not matter. It is there. Being in tune with it brings harmony to oneself and to the rest of creation.
I believe in people. I believe people do not intend to do harm to one another but circumstances cause this to happen. Although some people are evil and need to be treated as such, this evil has a cause that might have been avoided, but we meet it as an evil that exists, and must deal with it as such.
I believe that ignorance, arrogance and fear are the roots of many evil deeds.
I believe that love is a very powerful force. Love is difficult to identify and understand and it is easy to mistake other things for love. This causes much pain for many people. But believe in love.
I believe that our society breeds an existential fear of the unknown, of death. This is the root of much fear, anger and hostility.
I believe that if we have faith, we can see a thousand miles, we can see what will be, we can overcome setbacks, and we can love what we do not understand. We can love ourselves, and that is the hardest. Humbly loving oneself is the hardest trick in the book.
My Beloved Children
You are born to a certain family, place and culture. Make that your home, feel comfortable where you are, then go out to explore. Only after you own your own circumstances and life will you have the sure footing to set out on a journey.
The problem with traveling to the corners of the earth to find yourself is that you take yourself wherever you go
There is a very beautiful Jewish tradition of fasting the day before your wedding, a "Little Yom Kippur". The idea behind it is that you cleanse yourself of your sins before you bind with your beloved so your new partner does not suffer because of your past sins. I did this before I married Lisa and I am doing it today. So my soldiers do not suffer because of some action of mine, and that the bad bits of my Karma do not overrun their Karma and that cause them to suffer because of it.
In the long run we have responsibility towards everything we meet. We are not responsible for everything we meet, but responsible towards it.
If you have come here to help me, you are
wasting your time…But if you have come because your liberation is tied up with
mine, then let us work together. (Aboriginal Woman)
My Beloved Children
In your life you will meet many types of people. You will ask yourself endless amount of times why is it that the evil prosper and the righteous not. How is it that X moves ahead while everyone knows that Y is better for the position and gets overlooked?
I cannot say that I have an answer but I can say the following: very few people are fundamentally evil, but many people do stupid and mean things. They do not do stupid things because they want to cause harm, because they want to ruin things. Sometimes they do them from fear, sometime because of the dynamics of the situation, or because of lack of information or knowledge and sometimes from confusion created by priorities that were not well thought out.
A simple example is the mess up we had at the final dinner of the Ekecheria Peace Festival for Children in Greece[4]. We had people from 15 countries present. Jews, Muslims and Christians. Our host knew that he was not allowed to serve pork, because of the religious customs of the guests. He had the cook prepare veal, a safe choice. The Waiters did not recognize the type of meat and assumed it was pork. When someone asked a waiter, just to be sure, he was told it was pork. Immediately the "fact" was spread about causing adults and kids to spit out the food and a few kids to get very upset to the point of tears.
Here we have ignorance; the waiter not knowing what the meat was. Mixed with the dynamics of the final meal together of 200 kids who came to participate in a very intense program and were now about to say goodbye. Add to that the fact that most were away from home for the first time, in a foreign country.
So when you are trying to figure out why someone did something remember that between evil and stupidity, stupidity is almost always the cause. This being so, your angry response should be replaced by patience.
My
Beloved Children
Take the center cardboard tube from a finished roll of toilet paper and put it to your eyes and walk around like that a little while. Its clear how limited your sight is, you know you are missing a lot and you might find yourself stumbling over the furniture. To avoid that you are going to be shifting the tube all the time to make sure you are safe.
Stop to look at a person from close range through the tube. Notice how little you can see at any given moment? You know you do not get the whole picture.
Now change that tube to two books and put them next to your head like horse blinders. Wow, this is a lot better! But you still feel restricted; you know your sight is limited.
Well my beloved children this is how we see life and people. It is only because you have pre-knowledge of regular sight that you realize you are seeing only part of the picture, as part of the game with the tubes. In reality we do not even realize we are not seeing the whole picture.
We are all born and raised within very specific conditions. These conditions create those tubes and blinders. Some of them are intentional, like national identity, some of them unintentional, such as being a man or a woman within society. They not only limit what we can see they also limit what we can perceive. In other words there are things we can see with our eyes but cannot understand or connect to the realm of our reality.
So, when you deal with people you need to always remember that you come with your blinders, and they come with their own set. Realize you are always seeing part of the picture, part of the person.
My Beloved Children
Fear is the tube we have been provided with as a defense mechanism. To overcome it needs a lot of trust and careful explanations.
This is true of all the behavior patterns, which we have to help and protect ourselves in our everyday life and in our everyday interaction with others. They are our armor in a world we are taught is a constant war of interests. People will not remove their armor until they are sure the coast is clear. The first tool you will need to overcome this fear is patience. Because this armor has already become a second skin, adhering to us. It is painful to peel it off. When we try to remove it we learn that our skin is tender for we have not exposed it to elements of undefended interaction. But with good will, our skin will adjust and we learn that we can move much more freely without armor.
My Beloved Children
We all come with our blinders but this does not mean we need to be blind. Although we should be understanding of people and their actions we need to know what we cannot accept. A person intentionally hurting others is not acceptable. Your duty is to try to stop it, and if not possible you must not participate, just leave, walk away saying you cannot be part of it. I am not taking about international politics but in everyday life, in your classroom or in the neighborhood games and later on in life. This is part of your personal responsibility.
A friend of mine from the Council for Peace and Security[5] told me a story that happened to him during the Sinai Campaign in 1956. He commanded an infantry battalion I that pushed it's way into the Gaza strip. They became enveloped by the surrounding Egyptian army and there was real fear that they would be wiped out. He told me he received an order from the brigade HQ to use the prisoners as leverage to extract himself. He considered this erroneous and morally wrong. Along with some other officers they came up with another plan that "translated" the order into something else. In the end the Egyptians surrendered and the issue was put aside till he met up with the Commander Officer of the II Battalion.
CO II: "Did you receive that crazy order the other day"?
CO I: "Yes, I got it too"
CO II: Well what did you do"?
CO I: "I checked that I understood it correctly and told them that I will get back to them"
CO II: "Well what were you going to do"
CO I explained his plan and then asked, "What did you do"?
CO II: " I told them to kiss my ass"!
My friend said that back then he thought CO II was wrong and that an officer should not openly contradict his superiors. In retrospect he thinks he himself was wrong. CO II by his response made it completely clear beyond any doubt that he would not carry out the order. But my friends own actions left some doubt since he just "translated the order" not rejected it outright. Your personal responsibility is to make sure that others know where you stand and that the limits of right and wrong are clear-cut.
There is also social responsibility. These past two years we felt the heavy hand of a manipulating, deceiving leadership in our small kibbutz community as it focused on our fears in order to get it’s way, of privatizing the community. As much as I opposed it and was attacked because of my opposition, in retrospect I did not do enough and what I did do, I did not do properly. But I learned a wonderful lesson on how manipulation of a society works, how public opinion can be shaped and how people can blind themselves to even the most blatant facts. History has not been kind in teaching the lessons of mass manipulation; it is usually paid for with a horrific price in human life. This lesson has helped me in my work and made me more sensitive to my military tasks.
As rule of thumb any leadership whose base of motivation is fear and any leadership that says the "people" are not smart enough to understand; or any leadership that says that information needed to understand the situation cannot be made available, any leadership that ridicules or hounds its opposition is a leadership that needs to be changed and that needs to be actively opposed and exposed.
My Beloved Children
Turn on the radio or the TV. You will see that the overwhelming amount of songs or TV shows deal with love. Very few things will occupy your time and emotions, as love will and for good reasons, because when love is present it is easier to overcome all those things that make life difficult. It fortifies you and calms you. It helps you see your priorities clearly. But many things masquerade as love; dependence, infatuation, dominance, sex, hormonal changes, social pressure and others. Let me try to present what I have learned over time.
My Beloved Children
If I could teach you only one thing about love, I would teach you that you cannot love another until you love yourself. All kinds of other things might happen. All kinds or mirages may appear, but love, a complete love will not.
There is no emotion more calming than a complete love. In Hebrew the words intertwine, shalem means complete. Shalem is wholeness, Shalom is peace, Shalom is a greeting and a farewell, Shalem is paid up, and Shlemut is perfection. When you love yourself and another you have a wholeness that is near perfection. You are peaceful and tranquil in your travels and arrival. When you love another through loving yourself you have paid your dues of learning in this lifetime and all paths are open.
Like in checkers, normally you may move one square at a time in a forward direction but once you are crowned you may move in any direction, any amount of squares.
My
Beloved Children
I promise you much heartache regarding this in your life, because you need to know yourself before you can learn to love another. And since you are just learning, hopefully always learning, about yourselves, you are bound to make miscalculations. Not to mention that the other person is also learning about him or herself.
As we enter this world we are born unique people. As we grow up society, parents and our innate perception of things influence us. This process creates certain needs in our soul. A companion completes these needs. These needs may be positive in nature or dysfunctional. We are attracted to people who fill these gaps and needs.
In order to simplify the explanation let us give these needs a numerical value of 100. We will be attracted to someone who passes a basic threshold of lets say 50. But these needs vary in value; some may have a “value” of 1 some may be “worth” 15 or 50. A person may "collect" 60 "points" by collecting a lot of 1’s or 2’s. Someone else may collect a number of 20’s. We will be more attracted to someone who has a greater number of 20’s, because these serve a stronger or greater psychological or spiritual need in us.
These needs vary from person to person. They may be a need of beauty, or of intelligence, aggression or of placidity. They are there; they will almost always be there.
So you found someone who ranks 80. You can talk and love and feel great (20’s). Maybe some little traits you like (1’s) and a few that get on your nerves. Off you go on the path to bliss and after a while, bang. Things are not "right". Not as they used to be. S/he is not listening…
What happened? We change. We change all the time. Always. When change stops, we die.
Think of yourself in the future as you finish high school and as you finish your army service. Before you were at home now you are on your own. Your needs have changed. You have proven things to yourself and your community. So now the 80 of yesterday is only a 60. Before you wanted someone to protect and shelter you. You wanted to show what you are worth through someone else, so you got a "good catch": that good-looking one or that really successful one or the smart one or the wealthy one. But now you want to show yourself and society that you don’t need the protection. That you can travel the road alone, as an equal. So the balance you had before is out of whack.
If each of you loved yourselves before you started loving one another, you will be able to listen to the other and work things out.
But many times we can recognize a need only as a negative thing. We had over bearing parents, we were abused, or we were not attractive enough. So we function not out of compassion to ourselves but out of anger and self-deprecation. We behave in ways that are self-destructive. Like a battered woman who stays in an abusive relationship. We need to overcome our uncompassionate behavior towards ourselves first. Only then we can mend our love to another. If you do not, then a very rocky path lies ahead.
To make things a little more complicated our animal instinct of procreation has much to say. Our physical desire is developed in us before our emotional capacity to deal it. It is very easy to mistake desire for love, and just to make things a bit more problematic, peoples expectations, especially young people, are subject to a very distorted and unrealistic “understanding” of what love is by the media.
My
Beloved Children
In the final analysis we are our own anchors. Our self-esteem, our emotional stability and our understanding of ourselves are what bring us balance. They provide us with a tool with which to view and cope with the world and others. But what happens when this self-esteem gets bruised or smashed, when the anchor dislodges. When we break up with a lover, when or we loose our livelihood. When we go through "scheduled trauma" like adolescence or mid life crisis, or unscheduled trauma like an accident or illness. We grab for a life preserver. Since we are talking emotions it is natural that the emotional life preserver many times will be a person, this is not love but infatuation. So how do we know the person is a life preserver and not "true love" Well a simple rule of thumb is that if you hear yourself saying, " I can not live without him/her" it is infatuation. It means that someone has taken the role of your basic function, your will or capacity to live.
My
Beloved Children
We are endowed with a soul and a house to keep it in. Share your body only with someone worthy, someone worthy of your soul. I do not believe it is right to just give your body as a physical action. Your body is connected to your soul. If you have traveled down a path that disconnects the two than something is really amiss. Do not treat yourself lightly; always remember that you are a unique gift to the world.
Remember the physiology of sex is basically always the
same. But you will see, feel and learn that on an experiential level, things
differ greatly. This means that people’s sexual response is mostly in the
psychological and spiritual realm. Treat your emotional intercourse with more
attention than the physical one and you will find that you will also enjoy a satisfying
sexual partnership. The pleasures of a fulfilling physical relationship will be
shown to two people who love another through loving themselves.
My beloved Children
You should never take for granted that your partner knows you love him/her. Say you love them at least once a week if not once a day. I once read an article in a newspaper that said that 10 hugs a day improve one’s blood pressure.
People who love each other want the other to be happy. Do little things that show you care! Call out of the blue in the middle of the day to say you are thinking of them. Buy flowers or anything else your partner likes. Try to find time to spend together, not housework, not work, just hanging out. Go for a walk in nature. Go to a play. Love should be fun, joyous and creative.
Do not criticize your partner in front of others.
If you are talking about something and your partner says to drop it, drop it, telling them you still want to talk about it later.
If they want time alone, give it to them.
Remember that even love does not overcome some basic things like illness and fatigue. That your partner is tired is legitimate. It does not mean rejection, it means they are tired. If they are always tired then something is amiss either health wise or relationship wise.
Usually when we go to do reserves at the base there is a phone for people to call home and receive calls. Soldiers tend to hang around that phone waiting for a turn to use it. A few years ago I started a tradition of telling my guy’s that while they are on the phone they should say to their wife’s or girlfriends that they love them. Usually they say "My officer has just commanded me to tell you I love you, so I love you".
Once one of the soldiers just wouldn’t say it, I kept on badgering him in jest to say "I love You" to his wife. In the end he hung up and said to me "We have been married for 25 years, I have not told her I love her for about 22 years. If I say "I love you" she will immediately think something is wrong, that maybe I am in danger or maybe I am off with a mistress or something". We all laughed at the time making jokes about it. Now, all the sudden I am overwhelmed with the sadness of it. Not being able to say I love you for 22 years. Not having the pleasure of hearing it for 22 years.
The most important thing a father can do for his children is to LOVE their mother! (anonymous)
My
Beloved Children
Lisa and I gave each of you a name to carry you through your life. Hopefully we chose well.
Maya – your name is connected to water and Goddesses. The name exists in many cultures. We are all part of the larger weave. We all have the divine and the basic elements in ourselves. Yehudit, your middle name, is after my maternal grandmother. We all have a history we are part of and we will leave for the coming generations. Maya is also for Max, Lisa’s grandfather. You are not Amos, you are not Lisa, you are yourself, maybe a mixture maybe not. We just provide the trail mix for the beginning of the journey
R’oi – means shepherd of God, or my shepherd. I was a shepherd in earlier days and I was named after a shepherd, Amos of the Old Testament. You tend sheep by yourself, close to the earth. You must learn to know the animals’ and the land. Your middle name is Shai, which means gift. It also is a name that is in remembrance of Yossef and Moli Valentine. Moli was a soldier who died, Yossef his father. I visited his parents every Friday night for 16 years and had dinner with them. We are not only part of our family; we are also part of our people.
Ela - your name is that of a tree. Firmly plated in the ground, providing shade and heat when needed. Not a glamorous tree, a simple tree, but it is the simple tree, the everyday simple acts that make the system function. That recycles the air that holds the earth in place. Take care of the everyday actions in life. Your middle name is Rivka – Rebbeca. She was my paternal grand mother.
Amos was a prophet in the Old Testament. A special prophet for he was the first social prophet focusing on the relationship between people and people, and not between people and God. Therefore his name, Amos translates as one who takes a burden upon himself, the burden of the inequities of the people of Israel, in ancient times. This name has meant much to me over the years and I have always tried to live up to it. One cannot escape what is going on around oneself. One must take a stance and speak, even when hounded and ridiculed.
My
Beloved Children
Life places a lot of strain on the love for ones children and love for ones parents’. There is a saying that one mother can raise ten children but ten children cannot care for one mother. Always remember that whatever life places in your path, family is always family. You can always count on their support, and you should always provide it. Never let other obligations get in the way of this. Never let your ambition take precedence over this undeniable commitment.
This is something you should make clear to your spouse early on. This does not mean that there will not be compromises. That work or other things will not make demands on family life. But always remember what is important.
God provides us with a family for safekeeping. You make choices of friends as you go through life. Some you might keep, some you might leave. But God chooses your family for you. If they get you angry try to understand what you need to, and learn from it. Always forgive them. Never forsake them.
My
Beloved Children
If I die you will be left with mom to continue trying to live a "normal" life. Part of you will always be in pain, but pain does not need to define you. Our time was filled first and foremost with love. So focus on love in the family. From when you could speak you asked endless, intelligent questions. Focus on curiosity and learning. We always said don’t be afraid be careful, so go out there and try new things, push yourselves. We set an example of hospitality and openness, so invite people into the house. As R’oi says the way to strengthen your heart is to open your heart, so open your heart. Do not block out people; give them strength.
Mom, as an adult will be filled with doubts about things regarding our time together. She has more memories and more of a burden, help her. Try to keep things in order, try to maintain your studies in school. For her sake avoid foolish behavior such as drugs, cigarettes and so on.
Remember your father chose what he did of his own free will. He led his men, not because he outranked them but because they believed in him. I only take calculated risks, I never endanger myself foolishly. My death was brought upon us with the same compassion that guided me in other endeavors.
Last but not least, if there is heaven, and if I can watch over you, I will be there every moment of your lives from now till you join me. If there is no heaven then take of my soul what you may and store it in your hearts, for there, heaven must lie.
I was going to say be good kids, but I will just say be yourselves for you are truly great people. I was blessed with the time I did have with you.
Take care of mom.
My
Beloved Children
It would be a lie if I told you that as parents we know what to do. Life is complex and the future a mystery. We are not sure what is the best course of action in many instances. We also are trying to grapple with our own questions and insecurities. But, my beloved children, at any given moment we do try to make the best decision using all the wisdom and honesty we posses at that given moment.
We know you need your freedom. We know you need to make your own mistakes. It is kind of like building a road for you with a railing. On one side of the railing is mom, on the other side, me. You can bounce off the sides and veer your way along within the boundaries, zigzagging as you may.
At times when we have argued, one of you may have said, "Well it’s my life and my body and I can do what I want". Yes it is your life and your body but you are our responsibility. I have always tried to provide railings padded with love, but they are railings. Some of these railings have been:
Decide what I am not willing to let you guys experiment with and allow the rest. (Maya if you remember no experimenting with forks in the electric outlets)
Trust in you, in your common sense and your sense of right and wrong. I must say that you have made this easy for me.
Try to help you to trust yourselves.
Encourage you when you do well, remark about what you do that I disapprove of, and try not to go ballistic.
Encourage your interests and curiosity. Answer all questions truthfully and as completely as possible.
Instill in you a love for nature and of people.
Expose you to different types of people and experiences.
At home we try, as much as possible, not to speak badly of others.
Being a parent is not easy, but no greater gift can have been bestowed upon me than having you guys.
My Beloved Children
Of all the things I wish to tell you and I wish you to remember, one of the most important to me is how much I love your mother. True we argue sometimes, but that means very little. Every time I travel for work and see beautiful new sights, or every time we hike and see wonderful new things, it is always with Lisa that I wish to share these. The joy you bring me is coupled by the reality that you are the manifestation of our love. I enjoy being a parent with her. So if it is to be that you are left alone with her, give her a hug and a kiss every day and tell her it is from me.
My Beloved Children
I deal with people. I deal with hope. I try to assist people with seeing new alternative possible futures for their communities. Together we work to create a different reality from what they know. A reality where real people have real needs met. A place where people both feel and create a reality of control over their lives. I know that I cannot mend much, but I know it is my task to try.
I remember reading the stories of men I admired and almost always their children mention how little they saw their fathers. I am determined not to have this happen with us. I have tried very conscientiously to be available as much as possible, to make my travels as short as I can. I work from home as much as I can. My work demands much and I try to balance it. Forgive me if it is not enough.
If you remember we had a Mexican Senator visit our house two years ago. He wanted to know if I would go to the Chiapas region in Mexico to help with the conflict they were having there. I agreed to go. He then asked me why I was willing to risk myself in a conflict not my own. I said that we do not get to choose what comes across our path but only how we relate to what comes across. God knows know difference between the blood of his children, how can I. So if I might be of some service and stop the death of people, wherever they may be, how can I refuse?
Once I was interviewed on German television and was asked if I am not afraid to go into Palestinian cities and towns, or travel to conflict areas abroad. I explained that I put myself in danger while doing my army service. So if something is to happen to me I prefer that my children remember me as getting killed trying to bring peace than getting killed fighting in a war. If I am willing to die in war I should be willing to die for peace. But of course it is better to do neither.
(Haim
Nachman Bialik)
My
Beloved Children
Many times in your life you will feel uncomfortable with the place you are in. Not the physical place but the emotional place, although they go hand in hand. You will feel a need for change. You will be impatient with yourself for not "being" somewhere else. Not being more disciplined, not being over that disappointment, not being more astute, not being like everyone else, or by being like everyone else, or not being in or out of love.
Change cannot be rushed. You need to wait till you are ready.
When you do feel you have grown, that you have overcome the hurdle after a while you will feel a letdown. Again you will feel antsy. You will feel disappointment.
Think of a ladder in which the distance between rungs is large. You are on a given rung, where your emotional and spiritual development is now. You strive and strain your way to the top of your rung. You are proud of yourself. You feel the change. You really understand things. You can take care of yourself; you can take on the world.
You have climbed to a new rung; you're way up there. You see things you could not even view from your last rung. You get accustomed to your new reality, your enlarged wisdom and you notice that instead of being on the top of your last rung you are on the bottom of your new rung. So now you see new sights of things you never even know you didn’t know.
Rest; take it easy. Give yourself a break. But do not fall into the temptation of being lazy. Change will come as you internalize your last lessons: not a second sooner.
We are only talking about the change within you. You cannot change anyone else.
I do not expect you to read these pages and think: wow lets do this. No, I expect you to have these thoughts at your disposal and use them, if you consider them relevant. Maybe for 20 years you will never touch them. Something will happen and you will think "Hey, he wrote something about this". Because the time would have come that you are ready for it. Such a time will come. Not because I am so smart, for I have not written here about anything that is not common sense. But all of the sudden you will be receptive to common sense. I once read a line that went "The funny thing about common sense is that it is not very common."
My
Beloved Children
Many times you will feel confused. You will not know what to do. The more open minded you grow up to be, the more options will be opened to you. I am not talking about the confusion of moral questions, but the more banal questions of everyday life such as, where to live, what professional path to take, or save that money and do something "responsible" or go on a vacation. Not knowing what to do is all right. We cannot see the future. First of all try not to make decisions under pressure. There are two tricks you can use are: The first trick is - flip a coin, heads for A tails for B. focus on the split second before you look at the result. What did you "secretly" hope would be the result? The second trick is, sit down and say: "If money was not an issue I would…" Now make a choice and start studying it with an attitude of "how can we make this happen" not why it will not happen. Take the leap of faith and go for it.
Mom taught me something that took a long time to internalize, but she was right; By and large, in the long run things work out.
My Beloved Children
Do not live life focusing on what you should have done. What is passed is out of your control. I have always tried to make the best decision I could at any given moment. I am fully aware that it might not be the best of all choices, but it was the best I could do at the moment. Accept that, and move on.
Do not waste time on regrets. If you erred, fix it. If you insulted someone, hurry up and apologize. If you caused a chain reaction of mistakes, explain why you did what you did and set out to mend what can be fixed. Some things will not be fixable, such is life. As long as you did not do it intentionally, you should be at peace with yourself.
You will find yourself doing things you know are wrong and hurtful, but doing them anyway. First of all apologize. Most of the time we hurt people to whom we are close. Secondly check yourself. What was the cycle of events, or the pattern that caused this to happen? Focus on the pattern, not the action. Once you fix the pattern, you break the cycle and you dissolve the actions. Always focus on the future, not the past.
My
Beloved Children
Life is unfair. Sometimes it seems so unfair and hopeless that despair sets in. Despair is just one more part of life.
Everyone goes through moments where they can conquer the world that nothing is beyond them. Yet these same people have moments when the only contribution they can think of is ending their life. Our soul rises to sacred heights and sinks into an endless abyss.
Do not take the short cut. Do not voluntarily end your life, no matter how low you may feel. Things change.
My
Beloved Children
You will meet many "learned" people who know nothing. You will meet many people who have "learned" nothing but are filled with wisdom.
When your uncle Hanan finished his PhD in the Weizmann Institute[6] I congratulated him for being officially smart. He said it doesn’t really mean anything. I pushed and said that a PhD from Weizmann is not nothing, it is very impressive. He said all it means is that he hung on long enough. This is a bit of an understatement but has a kernel of truth.
When I finished the army I made a decision that I wanted to pave my professional career based on the fact that people recognize that I have knowledge and talent, not because I have a degree. I had no idea what that career would be and just followed opportunities as they opened up. I have succeeded in this, and I am good at what I do.
In general the whole education system, from preschool till university, has a goal of "educating" people to fit in. It socializes people to the dominant culture. We always study what was. If you can write a book about it, by definition it already happened. From a purely organizational point of view, an institution needs to standardize thought so it can be "objectively" evaluated.
Over the years when you have brought home tests or work from school we never focused on your grades. We wanted to know how you feel about the class; we were interested in your grade in comparison to the others in the class, how well the class understood the subject.
I think a major contributing factor to my personal achievements is that I did not study in an institution. I was not told what "could not be done". No one told me how to be professionally objective. I deal with people, people do not need objectivity. People need trust, they need to be heard, they need to connect their soul to other souls. 80% of your success in any thing you do will rely on your ability to work with others and make these connections.
But in modern society a degree is an entrance ticket to many work places. I have a friend who is a member of parliament in Israel, and was the deputy mayor for education of a town in Israel. He never finished his BA. He jokes that he could not hire himself for a job because of it.
So study when you are ready. Study anything, learn how to learn. Learn how to be systematic about your research. But study after you have done something.
My
Beloved Children
When I was in grade school they told me " You don’t know anything, wait till you are in high school". When I got to high school they told me wait till you get into the army. After that it was wait till you become an officer. From there it went to wait till you get married. People then said wait till you have kids and then wait till you have teenagers and now I am to wait till you serve, marry, reproduce…
Well I have a secret for you; it isn’t so. Now is the only time there is.
My
Beloved Children
All along I have been talking of a path. I have said that one of the most important foundations is loving yourself and loving others. I speak of learning to observe and hear. So it would be a bit inconsistent of me to proclaim the need to develop a career in the traditional sense.
You are your main tool and your main gift to society. Refine yourself; study what you feel inclination to. It can be pottery or nuclear physics. There is no subject that is more important; there are only things that you lend yourself to more naturally and allow you to focus on what is important.
If you are not sure what your direction is, what it is that you should do. Accept lesser things as they come along. It means you are not ready yet. You can learn useful tools and practices from any work you do. Eventually, you will gravitate towards what your interests are and opportunities will open up.
I myself did many things, I drove a truck and a bus, I was a welder, I ran the kibbutz garage, I did integrated pest management, I put in computer networks, I worked in a kindergarten, in the scouts movement, I am a soldier, I do international peace work, I teach, I worked with juvenal delinquents, I am a tile setter, a dairyman, a construction worker, I am manager. I am a son, a brother, a father and a husband.
Your success will flow from three springs; the first being at peace with yourself, the second working in something you love and the third being able to work well with others. Do not rob yourself of life because you need to get ahead. Do not cheat the world out of your talent and contribution.
My Beloved Children
Money is a tool. It is never a goal.
You need to pay bills, and money allows you to do things. It allows you to buy books and music. It allows you to travel and see other cultures and places. It provides you some peace of mind. But it can also distract you. In general things distract us. Less is more, as far as ownership goes.
In reality I see how generous you are, I do not really worry about your attitude towards money but I decided to spell it out. Spread the wealth
My
Beloved Children
When I was in high school we had a ping-pong table at home. I would play for hours a day and I thought I was good – Very Good. I was part of the student council in school (worthwhile). We built a clubhouse for the students and put in a ping-pong table for the kids to use after hours. After we set it up I challenged the guy I was with to a match, promising to trash him. He took my dare and proceeded to win three games 21 to 0. Turns out he was the national youth ping-pong champion.
During the time I was in high school there was a terrorist attack[7] on a school outing in the north of the country and 22 students were killed. The army and education ministry decided to take 4 students from every high school class and train them in very basic use of weapons and hand to hand combat.
Since during this period many terrorist attacks were happening in Israel the government also set up a civil guard. An armed neighborhood watch, to patrol neighborhoods and be the trigger and containment till the army could show up, in case of an attack.
I was the commander of the civil guard youth in Ramat Hasharon where we grew up. As such I would do night patrols. I had just finished my "antiterrorist" training and thought I was real hot. I got a very old frail man to be my patrol partner. I was angry that they gave me, this young "trained" hotshot such a bummer of a partner. He walked really slowly and I wanted to race around. But I was also taught to respect my elders so I decided that, leaving no other choice, I would talk to him. It turns out that this man was a soldier in the First World War in Europe. He fought with the British in the Middle East between the wars. He was decorated during the Second World War for valor. He afterwards fought the British here in the underground and participated in the war of independence in many of the battles we learn about in our history books. He continued to serve during the Sinai campaign and in the Six-day war. I was spell bound by this very old, very frail outstanding warrior. A man I thought was "a nothing of a person" at first glance.
Never underestimate a person. Never elevate yourself. Always honor the other. Modesty is a wise choice, especially when you do not know whom you are talking to. It is always to late to make a second good first impression and never to late to show your talent. They might be heroes, they might be champions, they might be just regular folk but they are definitely worthy of your attention.
My
Beloved Children
For about 14 years I would do the Kiddush[8] in our temple and the dinning room of our kibbutz. About 8 years ago it was time to do the Kiddush in the temple and I saw an elderly guest visiting from the states in the gathering. I thought of inviting him to do it, and partake of the honor. But I was preoccupied and just wanted to get on with it and thought to myself "next week I will invite him to do it".
He died two days later. Never postpone an act of kindness.
Kindness lightens the load as we travel. A smile a "good morning" a flower. Always when you can – help. Forget about the time you are "losing" you, and the world, will always benefit in spirit or otherwise.
My Beloved Children
Your body is the vessel that your soul has been placed in. Every tradition has the same fundamental approach towards the body. Keep it clean, do not abuse it. Judaism is very clear about it, not to mention Buddhism. Ask mom about yoga and the philosophy behind it.
Learn your body and its cycles. How lack of sleep affects your mood and your capacities. How you respond to foods. Some things clearly have direct affects like sugar or coffee, but others affect you in a more subtle way. Keep track of what skipping meals does to you. Pay attention to your body.
As you well know I am categorically against any activities that cause clear and intentional harm to your bodies such as smoking, drugs, piercing, tattoo’s. It shows lack of respect for yourself. As long as you are with us it is not up to you. We are your guardians, we are responsible.
In the old testament it says that if a slave relinquishes his freedom, that even though he may go free he chooses to stay with his master, he shall have his ear pierced. A public sign of physical mutilation that he gave up his most basic right, his freedom. I kind of feel the same way about piercing and tattoo’s. You give up your freedom to a passing fade, to fashion.
There is very little we have control over in our lifetime. We cannot control what happens to us, we can only control how we react to it. The one thing we do have control over is our body. So why give up our control of it to cigarettes or any other addiction. When I was in high school I went to the emergency room with a friend who got hurt. While there we saw an "old" man (he must have been 50) who was very badly beaten and very drunk. At that moment I swore I would never give up control of my body, and never get addicted to anything.
All the spirituality in the world will not do your human homework for you (Christiane Northrup)
I said what I meant and I meant what I said (Dr. Seuss)
My
Beloved Children
When Maya was young, about two, I was dressing her in the morning. I told her I would put on her underwear, undershirt, shirt, and pants, socks shoes and coat and then go to the kindergarten. I started dressing her and put on her underwear, undershirt, shirt, pants, socks, coat and was about to put on her shoes when she yelled out
" NO, NO abba"
"What is the matter"? I asked.
" You said shoes and then coat, not coat and then shoes"
Last week I was looking for a document that I had once found on a website. I phoned the Webmaster and asked if the document was still up. He said no. I tried in vain to find it on my hard disk but to no avail. In desperation I phoned the Webmaster again and asked if he might have the document somewhere else, he said yes, of course. The first time I asked the wrong question. I asked about the website not the document.
Learn to say what you mean. Exactly what you mean. If you want people to do something they need to understand. Let them explain in their own words what they understood from you.
A main source of conflict between people comes from people not saying what they really mean, and afterwards they get angry because the other did not understand. Be clear; give others the chance to understand. This is true for family, work, love and leading men into battle.
Leadership demands that you accept all responsibility for anything you did not make clear. People will understand and do the most outrageous things, not out of meanness, but just because they "thought" you meant….
Be patient, be clear, and be prepared.
My Beloved Children
What you should be prepared for is that it is not only what is said but also what is heard. You have control of what leaves your lips, but you have no control over what eventually is heard.
Most of the information we get during interactions we get through words. Words spoken by our counterparts. While we are listening we also continuously validate what we hear with other messages we get through non-verbal communication and reaction of the environment. The environment being the physical place or other people who are present or "filled you in, just so you know".
For every encounter we have, every single one of us, has filters all set in place to frame the information into something comfortable for us. To avoid misunderstandings, you have to take the same role when you are listening. When someone tells you something important, repeat it so you know you got it right.
But this is not enough. Because sometimes, something we are willing to accept from one person, we reject violently from another. So the issue is not only the message but also the messenger. It is probably wise to pay attention to what is said by most anyone, but pay special attention to people you respect. The same information can be passed on by someone who loves you or by someone who wants you to fall.
A rule of thumb regarding criticism is that if the criticism ends with an option of improving yourself or the situation, listen well. But if it is negative and ends with only negatives and the person presenting it only shows you dead ends, politely excuse yourself. There are very seldom dead ends, and anyone focusing on them is wasting your time and theirs. Do not focus on the negative; use the same energy to produce good.
My Beloved Children
Through all these letters I have been trying to say a simple thing: lead your life in such a way so that you can feel comfortable with yourself and what you do. If you can do that than you will not need to lie. The most you will need to do is apologize for mistakes.
The other day I was milking and my partner, a young person on the kibbutz, suggested that we skip the pre milking sterilizing of the teats because it adds about half an hour to the milking. He also said that everyone skips it. He also made sure to say that if the dairy manager shows up, we should say we did do it. What bothered me the most about this incident was that other adults have been teaching this kid to lie, to cheat. Not only were they not doing their job professionally, but they also we giving a bad example to the kid, which was internalized very well.
I refused, even though I think the pre milking sterilization is a mistake. I explained to him that we would dip the cows because I am not willing to lie about something so trivial. Either you stand behind your actions or you do not. If you need to lie about them then you need not do them.
Once you lie you need to remember what the lie was. It’s easier to remember the truth.
There is no way to over rate the value of having people believe you, nor the damage if people do not.
I am not saying that there will never be a time that you should lie. You might need to in order to protect your physical safety, or in order not to insult someone. But these are the rare exceptions that prove the rule.
Respect yourself; first and foremost. Lying debases you.
You
are your task. (Larry Brilliant)
My Beloved Children
You cannot start out on a journey, with only your destination in mind, you need to know where you are starting from. These are the two issues you need to focus on as a task in life.
You are unique. There will never be another you, and the world will never be able to benefit from your contribution again, ever. But only you can realize this contribution by knowing yourself. So pay attention. Observe the details of yourself.
Once you have an idea of your starting point, of who you are, Go out to accomplish what you may. I write, "once you have an idea" on purpose, do not wait till you think you understand everything, go when you understand enough. You will never know yourself completely, and you will always change. There is more than one you. You have seen me as Amos the father, and Amos the kibbutz member, and Amos the soldier and Amos the peace seeker. Sometimes it is portrayed as hypocrisy of people that they are different people at different times. This ability is not a negative trait, in my mind. It shows how complex and adaptive we are. Since you need to meet different objectives, you need different talents and strengths for the different tasks. But be consistent in you morals. They should not change, they are your base.
My Beloved Children
The tools you will need to deal with yourself are humility, forgiveness and faith. Take what you do seriously, but treat yourself with a sense of humor and perspective.
The basis of my understanding is that you must first and foremost realize that we are all equal, period. Not the same, not with equal talent, not with equal capacity. But we are equal in the most fundamental way. You, nor anyone else, have a right to override this basic tenant.
This being the case the tools you will need when dealing with others are patience, generosity, love and trust.
Fun is very underestimated. The fun we focus on in our western culture is distraction or sedation. I am talking about fun that causes you to chuckle from your gut. I am talking about fun that surrounds you with warmth. I am talking about fun that is joyous. If you are not having fun, something is amiss.
In a course I taught on peace education, we had 30 people from 21 countries. My mantra was that if they do not laugh every half an hour, at least, I am not doing my job well. When the month long course ended a psychology professor came up to me and said in all his years of teaching he never thought that humor could be such an important tool in teaching. You remember better when you laugh.
All this will help you overcome fear so you can accomplish your uniqueness in this world.
My beloved Children
The Iroquois nations have a tradition that the elders are not allowed to make any decision that will harm their descendants seven generations into the future
Rabbi Akiva said: If I am not for myself, who shall be for me? And if I am only for myself, who am I? And if not now, When?
All I have seen in life leads me to believe that in the long run, nothing else make sense except to apply ourselves to mending what has been torn asunder by ignorance and fear that have lead to hatred, ecological destruction and loss of hope.
I do not delude myself that all can be repaired, and that is not the issue. It is an issue of faith. Faith in your belief that you are unique, that your unique interaction with your environment has effect on the whole.
So, all I want of you is that you look around you, and make a conscious coherent decision of how to relate to the whole. I want you to be able to say clearly to yourself and others, I am part of the tearing asunder or I am part of the mending. But treat each decision on it’s own merit. During the latest fighting between Israel and the Palestinians a Palestinian friend of mine called me and said that there have been people killed in Bethlehem and the IDF is not allowing the bodies to be evacuated and buried. After checking with the ICRC[9], the IDF, the Ministry of Defense, Palestinian organizations and some members of Parliament I found out that the IDF had two major issues. The first that ambulances of non ICRC groups have been used to smuggle people and weapons, and therefore they do not trust them, and the second being booby traps. I organized a group of reserve IDF officers (who are trustworthy as far as the IDF is concerned) both Jewish and Arab, who were willing to volunteer and go in as civilians and evacuate the bodies. We would be wearing clearly identifiable clothes, in clearly identified civilian vehicles after all the sides were coordinated. This might seem crazy in a time of fighting but the decision of giving respect to the deceased was taken on it’s own merit.
If you follow this pattern you will see that your life will be a mosaic of worthy deeds.
Lead your life as if any moment you will die. You will die and stand before yourself and maybe before God and say: "I lived my life with intent and am now ready to be judged". But if you say: "I have lived my life and done this and that and the mitigating circumstances are1.2.3. and please take them into account" think twice and a third time about what you are doing, for you are doing something wrong.
A man should never exclude himself from the community of Israel. (Pirke Avot)
My Beloved Children
When I started writing this I wrote: "You are born to a certain family, place and culture. Make that your home, feel comfortable where you are, then go out to explore. Only after you own your own circumstances and life will you have the sure footing to set out on a journey". Well part of these circumstances is that you were born Jewish. I personally feel this a very fundamental part of my life. I choose to be a member of kibbutz. I choose to be an Officer. I choose to live in Israel. I choose to be a husband and father. I did not choose to be Jewish, it has been chosen for me. Maybe by some great wisdom of God or maybe by simple chance. It is not my prerogative to disown it. If you were to tell me I couldn’t be a socialist in kibbutz, I would be sorry but I would overcome it. If you were to tell me that I cannot live in Israel, I could live elsewhere. But if you were to tell me that I would be forced to renounce my Judaism, I will not.
This does not mean I think Jews are any better than anyone else. We are not. It does not mean that Judaism is a better religion, I doubt it, but Judaism is just as good as any other religion. More important it is a completely irrelevant question.
The way I look at it being the "chosen people" means that I chose to accept my being a Jew, as Abraham chose to accept Gods challenge. Not that God chose me, but that I chose God in a Jewish setting.
No more, no less.
My Beloved Children
Being Jewish is something you can do anywhere. Judaism is a religion, it is a people, and it is a culture.
You can practice your religion anywhere on the globe. The innovative trends and openness of Judaism were not developed in the land of Zion. The Babylonian Talmud[10] is more tolerant than the Jerusalem Talmud. Conservative, Reform or Reconstructionist Judaism are still not recognized in Israel. There is a distinct advantage in the mix and cross-pollination of cultures as occurs in the Diaspora.
As an undisputable fact, at least half of the Jewish people live outside of Israel. If even one percent of all the stories of communities that proclaim to identify themselves as part of the ten lost tribes are to be believed, than much more live outside of Israel. Jewish communities around the world flourish clearly defined as Jewish.
These Jewish communities add endless traditions and flavor to the cultural tapestry of Judaism. These are colors and shapes within the basic weave of our culture. Culture is shaped and honed by many things. One of the most influential is the physical environment, the morphology, ecology, weather and geology where a people reside.
Judaism was shaped in the land that lies where the state of Israel exists, more or less. The basic weave was woven on looms whose beams were shaped from trees that grow in these plains and deserts. The wool was sheered from sheep that ate these plants as they grazed these hills. The dyes taken from shells, roots and plants that still can be found in our yard. To truly understand your Jewish roots, you must become acclimatized to this land.
"Establishing
lasting peace is he work of education; all politics can do is keep us out of
war". Maria Montessori
My Beloved Children
To this basic weave of Judaism, colors and patterns have been added throughout the ages. There have been many artisans working on the designs. They have used many materials, colors and threads that have come from many sources, all taking heed to blend with what they found before them. So now we have a great tapestry profuse with color and form.
Our great tapestry is also abundant with great confusion. Confusion between what is our historical heritage, our religious heritage and our political obligation as a Jewish state.
We are a people whose religious values were created within an agricultural community of farmers and herders. The timing of Shavuot[11] makes no sense in Sydney. The building of a succa[12], that gives a man a sense of security as he walks the endless boundless expanses of desert, has a completely different meaning in Manhattan. Think of it. In the desert there is nothing but horizon. There are billions of stars. There is nothing between you and your God. That is not exactly the same reality as in 14th century Poland or 20th century New York. But there are other places that are similar, and as Abraham came from Ur to Canaan, we could wander this region and find similar environments.
Amos was a prophet here. He came from Anatot and Tekoah . While we live here, we can walk in the same fields he walked in. We live in Kibbutz Gezer near the ancient city of Gezer built by the Canaanites, captured and burnt by the Egyptians and rebuilt by King Solomon. We can still see all this, as written in the Old Testament, including the remains of the burnt structures. Jerusalem is here. These pieces of history happened only here. Just as you cannot see the battlefields of Hastings except in England, or the great tombs of the Chinese emperors except in China, you cannot see our ancient history but here.
This is all a soup of culture, history and religion. It is impossible to un-mix the soup. What has allowed the Jewish people to survive throughout the world and ages has been the mixture and the symbols created by the land and environment. We have a right to reconnect these two.
Everything I wrote you till now says, observe and listen to your environment. From this try to create a comprehensive picture of what the situation is. Make an honest, value based judgment that you can explain to yourself and others. A decision that you will be able to proclaim and say; "This is what I believe, and here I stand". When I do all this and look at the political reality around me I have no choice but to say: "Yes I have a right to reconnect these things, but others have rights also". I do not believe that these rights are mutually exclusive, nor are they exclusively mine.
So, being Jewish, Jews believe in G-d. Jews believe that G-d does nothing by chance. If so, and G-d sent us out to Babylon, he had a reason. One of the most significant things to come out of our exile in Babylon was the Babylonian Talmud. In both the Jerusalem Talmud and the Babylonian Talmud there is a sentence that says something similar with only one word difference. The Babylonian Talmudic sentence being: "All who saves a life, it is as if he saved the whole world". In the Jerusalem Talmud they added, "All who saves a Jewish life, it is as if he saved the whole world". So if G-d sent us into exile he wanted us to learn something. Maybe s/he wanted us to take the cardboard tubes from our eyes and see a wider perspective.
My
Beloved Children
When people ask Ela what her father does she says he works for peace. I do peace activities in Israel and other places in he world. I am a vegetarian and as you well know we do not kill the creepy crawlies that enter our home. We capture them and release them to nature. But I am not a pacifist because I believe there are times when the use of violence is a viable option; maybe the only true ethical action. The parameters of violence are such that only when all three of the following criteria happen simultaneously can it be justified.
1. That you are sure that the use of violence will completely change the outcome. Someone tries to stab you; and you shoot him the outcome will change. Someone cuts you off on the road and you do it back, it nothing changes.
2. The violence is of very limited duration. Any long-term use of violence means you are making a fundamental mistake.
3. There is no other option. Some one is trying to stab you and you cannot get away, then use violence. Someone insults you, leave. If you fight over that then you are an idiot.
Once you accept to function within a military context two extra criteria are added:
4. If you come under attack, even though you could surrender which means there is another option, you should respond with violence.
5. To carry out your orders while using the minimum amount of force needed to do so.
My Beloved Children
We exist in a political reality of conflict. But in reality we exist in a variety of political realities. There is the Israeli reality and the Palestinian reality. Within the Israeli political reality there is the left and the right wing reality. There is the reality of those who believe it is by Gods direct intervention into the world that the situation is as it is by testing the Jewish people before bringing about the messianic age. There is the reality as the army sees' it, trying the impossible task of providing security within a democratic framework split down the middle. Or how social activists see it as our economy is forced to focus around security instead of development. There is the reality of those who suffered great loss and those who do not want to lose their loved ones. These are just the tip of the iceberg of the realties that exist in our society. There is the same amount of realties within the Palestinian society. Just to make it interesting for you there is the reality of how the USA sees’ it and how Europe sees’ it, how the Islamic world sees it and then there is a reality of petroleum, a reality of strategic interests, and many other realities.
Every one of these realities is real. There are very few facts, and they do not really matter. I will give you a simple example; A few years ago, when you were too young to remember, a man named Baruch Goldstein walked into the Tomb of the Patriarchs in Hebron (Halil for the Muslims) and murdered 29 Muslims at prayer. The people there subsequently killed him.
If you ask most Israeli what happened they would tell you that he snapped, went crazy, and murdered those people. Why he snapped is a different question. But everyone will say he went crazy. Just to prove the validity of their point, the entire political and religious spectrum of Israel immediately denounced the murder. A minute amount of Israeli’s will tell you that the Muslims were not praying but they were in the process of handing out weapons in order to go and slaughter the Jews of Hebron, and he burst into the tomb to stop them.
Ask a Palestinian and he will say it was a deliberate act on the part of Israel. Why? Well he was a IDF officer, carrying a military weapon, using military ammunition, and came into a place guarded by the military, wearing a military uniform.
All this is right. He was a doctor and therefore an officer. He lived in Kiryat Arba[13], and therefore issued a military weapon[14]. The tomb is guarded by the Border Police, it was time to switch shifts so one started to stand down and the other had not yet arrived, so no one was really paying attention to an officer entering the tomb. So it is natural for Palestinians to reach that conclusion. Just to prove the validity of their point the people of Kiryat Arba, with the help of others, set up a large memorial to him. If the army or Israeli government really deplores his act then why are they not removing the memorial?
You cannot persuade either side to accept the others view. The best you can hope for is that they get to know the other side’s interpretation.
My Beloved Children
The violence we see about us is not caused by the desire of the majority of the Israeli’s or Palestinians to kill their neighbors. Traveling around the world, into conflict areas, I know that most people just want to live their lives. They want to finish school, fix the car or raise their kids. They do not want to kill or be killed. True, there are some fanatics or seriously dysfunctional people on every side of every battle that enjoy the fight or have a fundamentalist ascetic view, but they are a minority.
I believe that each side in this conflict is at fault. It could be that at a certain point in time Israel was arrogant and at other times the Palestinian leadership was callous and immensely shortsighted. I do not care, and it does not matter. What does matter is that we are killing each other. What does matter is that our economy, and theirs is spent on weapons. What does matter is that our children live in fear and their children cannot sleep at night. There are mothers of both communities who breathe a sigh of relief when a female is born, and one of fear when it is a male newborn.
As you have seen in our family life, the question is not who is right or wrong. Our focus is always who is willing to take the first step towards a solution, towards reconciliation. In the meanwhile we are all caught up in this conflict situation and each and every one of us needs to make a decision how they respond.
My Beloved Children
In this Intifada and the last one[15] some soldiers, with similar political beliefs, have refused to serve and have accepted a jail sentence instead. My response has to serve. I will explain why;
I am an officer in a combat unit. Ours is an armored unit. Our task is to fight the full-scale battles of a full-scale war. Not a low intensity conflict such as an Intifada. Israel can never afford to loose such a war. It will cease to exist if it does. There is not only an Israeli Palestinian conflict, Israel is threatened by Syria, Iraq, Iran and others. The creation of a Palestinian state will not diminish these threats.
My task is to command troops in battle and for them to survive. For this to happen they must trust me. This trust needs to be complete and inclusive, it must be unconditional. Therefore they must know that I am there for them, always and that my commitment is not dependent on anything. With this understanding I feel that I do not have the luxury to act on my political beliefs.
If I were not to serve, they would not close down the army and call the whole thing off. The army would find a different officer to lead my men. Maybe he would be better than me, maybe worse. Worse from a military point of view or worse from a moral point of view. Maybe he will unnecessarily bring my men into danger or endanger the lives of innocent Palestinians. I feel I have a moral obligation towards my men that I not abandon them to someone I do not know. I also feel that we need commanders who can control the situation, and get the job done with the minimum amount of force.
But the realties of reserve combat service does things to people. There is real and immediate danger. There is the fatigue of endless shifts. The general bad conditions like yucky food, dirty clothes and cold showers, when you get the time to shower. You hang out only with men, in an organization whose existence revolves around violence. A phone call from your wife that junior is acting out and having nightmares because his father is where they are showing on the news. A message that you missed a business opportunity, or the knowledge that as soon as you are done with your service, exams start and you missed a month of lectures. This abnormal situation builds up and creates tremendous anxiety, which eventually gets vented. So we find good people doing terrible things. Not because they are evil, not even because they are stupid, but because the situation is terrible. As I see it, one of my tasks is to stop these things as they happen. To realign people when they lose it. In all the times that I have done this no one has ever argued with me. Not because of my rank, no one cares about that. But because they know that what they are doing is wrong, but they just lost it. So I think we need people with clear, unshakable values in the field to stop things as they are happening. A single police officer stopped the burning of the Synagogue in Berlin on Kristal Nacht. What would have happened if someone with moral authority stood up at Mai Lai?
We live in a democracy, the rule of democracy is that you accept the decision of the elected government, if you voted for it or not. We need to maintain this imperative. With all the fault lines in our society, and all the tough political decisions needed to be made, we can not afford to even dent the complete adherence to the rule of law.
So I have decided to serve. I am not sure if any single one of these reasons is enough, but all of them together are.
But every time I have gone to serve I made preparations for what will happen if I am ordered to do something I consider to be a "black banner"[16] command.
My intention was to make a test case out of my refusing the command. First of all I explained to mom what I intended to do, because in reality she would pay a heavy price. Once she agreed I spoke to a member of our Knesset[17] and made preparations that if such a thing would happen I would refuse to carry out the order. I would then demand a full military court martial and call him to get me the lawyers I would need. As an officer I have the right to request a full military tribunal instead of being tried by another officer. The difference is that another officer can give me a maximum sentence of 35 days. A full military tribunal can give any sentence it wants, up to life imprisonment. It is a full legal procedure with lawyers and all.
It was a risk your mother and I were willing to take in accordance with our convictions. Needless to say the military could not afford to treat such a case lightly, and we expected no less than three years imprisonment.
I am happy to say I was never asked to do anything I felt fell into that category. Luckily I did not have to test my resolve in this issue.
My Beloved Children
Being willing to serve in the army is only half my response. An action I take upon myself but do not initiate. I am called up, I decide to go.
What I initiate are all the peace activities that I carry out. Some are on a large scale and some just us. You most probably remember the visit we all took to Beit Sachour. We went to visit a Palestinian friend during one of the closures. Many people said we were crazy to take you there. But Mom and I thought that showing family to family compassion, solidarity of mothers and fathers worried about their children’s future was the moral thing to do.
Many times in these letters I have spoken of fear and ignorance that breed hostile behavior. You can add to that poverty, violence, humiliation and a lack of hope. In order to overcome hostile behavior we need to overcome the ignorance. So I have chosen to help organize programs where people from both sides can meet and overcome their ignorance and fear.
I am part of a group of people who are working on projects that are designed to create employment and raise the quality of life for Palestinians. As Ezer Weitzman[18] said when he was president "It is not good to have hungry neighbors". Worse than hungry neighbors are neighbors who have no hope and nothing to lose.
I design projects that allow Israeli Jews and Israeli Arabs to travel together and get to know one another. We do projects in schools and youth movements.
To help overcome the fear in the Israeli society I joined the Council for Peace and Security. The council is a group of 1,200 retired security professionals from the IDF, Shabak[19], Mossad[20], Police, Diplomatic Corps and leading business people, all with the rank of Lt. Colonel or above who believe it is in Israel’s strategic interest to have peace. We meet, discuss issues, and most importantly give public talks about security and peace.
I travel abroad, as you well know, to talk about the issues at hand, and host people in Israel, many times taking them to get all the view points first hand, from Palestinians and settlers.
You might say, these actions are a paradox to my military service. Maybe, but maybe not, because to overcome the violence we need to overcome fear, to overcome fear we need security, for security we need good, levelheaded people to serve. So I serve, but I am also here, actively seeking peace.
My
Beloved Children
All of what I wrote you till now deals with preparing you to lead yourself in your own life. If you do this well you will find yourself leading others. Leadership is a very great responsibility and should never be taken lightly. So if I have lead you this far it becomes my responsibility to provide some tools for thought regarding leadership.
Much of what makes up good leadership is true for both civilian and military leadership, but still the consequence of bad civilian leadership is hardly ever death, so I will differentiate between the two.
The military is very often connected in people’s minds with heroism. We have this picture in our minds; we have seen it in a thousand movies and read in a million books; the hero running up, with complete disregard for his own life, overcoming the enemy, or maybe saving the damsel in distress. As much as I take pride in my personal combat history I take great exception to this. Military valor is a moment’s action, usually done in great chaos, under extraordinary circumstances. But it takes a second, a minute or a day, but then it is done. In many instances it comes about because someone along the line made a mistake and you pay for it. I do not mean to belittle those who perform acts of military heroism, for many of them are supreme acts of tremendous commitment to the highest ideals. But there is a different kind of heroism that I consider to be much harder, civic heroism.
Civic heroism consists of those acts we perform day in, day out because of moral conviction in the face of criticism while paying a social, economic or other price, like standing up for the kid in your class who everyone picks on. It might be not succumbing to social pressures to use drugs, or the conviction and understanding to report someone you know who is dealing. Maybe it is fighting racism when you see it. It can be within battle, when you do not allow others to mistreat a prisoner, take booty or any other of the myriad amount of things that happen.
Civic heroism is much harder. There is no glory, usually all there is, is ridicule. It is not a moment in the heat of battle, an extreme moment, it is the day in day out asking yourself why you are such an idiot and why can’t you be like everybody else. There are no medals; there is not even peace of mind, but just a constant grinding of yourself against societies cogwheels.
My
Beloved Children
Leadership means taking people from point A to point B. So first and foremost you need to know where it is you want to go, or at least how you mean to travel.
The second thing you need to do is give people a reason why they would want to get to point B. It could be because they have no choice, you are there leader, placed into this position by some external authority with a goal to achieve. Even so, if you want them to do their best along the way, you will need their motivation. Although authority might be the first tool, it does not work in the long run, and you always get mediocre results.
People fear the unknown. Fear incapacitates them. So the next stage is elevating the fear. There are a few tools to do this, but first and foremost is information. Information means, where are they going, why are they going there, what they can expect to find along the way, what happens if there is a problem, who will lead them, does s/he have the ability to do it and other questions like that. People need to feel security before they go forward.
I can give you a simple example. I want to lead you to: "Don’t be afraid, be careful". I decide to get you there by teaching you about snakes. I know you fear them because you know nothing about them and you have heard only bad things till now. So I catch a snake. I am your father and you trust me. I explain to you all about them and that provides you with the information needed to calm your fears, because ignorance always causes fear. I let you hold a non-poisonous snake and you gradually learn how to handle it. Next I find and catch a poisonous snake, and taking every precaution I can, I let you see it, and maybe touch it. I explain to you how to identify this type of snake and where it lives. We go over the rules that you are not to catch snakes by yourself, and what to do if one ever bites you.
Next I catch another non-poisonous snake and let you hold it. I tell you to call the other kids in the neighborhood so they can learn also. Wow, this is a neat snake. Their parents are doubtful, but we both reassure them that the snake is OK; we overcome their fear with knowledge. Now you get to use your newfound proficiency and knowledge about snakes. You own the fear you started out with.
My Beloved Children
To lead people, they need to believe in you and/or they need to believe in the goal. You might ask, well maybe it is just their job and they do it because they want to get paid or they are forced to. That might be the case but then it is not leadership, it is not people following it is people being pushed. If you want them to follow, provide a personal example. You cannot tell people don’t litter and then empty your ashtray on the sidewalk. People are not stupid.
When we go out on patrol in the army it is very important that all my soldiers prepare themselves and their equipment properly. To make sure that it happens and set the standard I tell the platoon commanders what I want and why. I give them time and the resources to get everyone ready, and set an inspection time.
At the set time I call everyone together and explain why I want the equipment I stated. I then say: "OK everybody take off your equipment and pass it on to the guy to your left to check". I do the same, I let a regular soldier check my gear. You might not understand this but believe me it is not normal for a major to let a common private check his equipment.
What happens, well, first of all I made it clear that operational rules apply to everyone equally, no exemptions! Secondly, I make it clear to my officers that this is the way we function, by setting a personal example. Third, they find that I take a significantly larger amount of equipment than they do. They carry seven magazines of ammunition, I carry ten. They carry two bandages; I carry about 20 articles of first aid. So I have everything they do, plus. My pack also weighs much more, so they feel less free to complain. Fourth, They always ask me why I carry so much stuff and I explain, just in case. I explain that when the shit hits the fan the only things you can rely on is what you have with you, so the standard gets set. I say that my job is to protect them and make sure they have backup, and they see I take my task seriously. It provides a feeling of security.
I always make a point about every soldier carrying a field dressing in the left shirt pocket. I explain that if any of us get hit, we will always know where to find the bandage to save them. I show them the amount of first aid I carry, and they understand that I plan ahead and I care about their well being.
So by doing a very simple act of passing my equipment to the left, I set a standard, alleviate fears and instill trust.
My beloved Children
When I spoke about snakes I put in the part where I have you explain to the neighbors kids about the snake, under my supervision. It is not by chance, because a very important rule is always let the job be carried out by the lowest possible level in the organization. If the lowest clerk in the business can do it, it is bad leadership to have the manager do it. There are a lot of reasons such as; if the most important thing is people, let them learn through doing. Why waste the manager’s time. The person closest to the task is the person who understands it the best. It shows people you trust them and their ability. You will not get people to trust you if you do not trust them.
The hard parts of leadership in this context are first budding out, secondly being willing to take the responsibility if that person does not get the job done. If you let someone else do something, do not interfere. Do not interfere because maybe they have a better way to do it than yours. Do not interfere because it will destroy the trust you had. Do not interfere because people have a tendency to rise to the occasion, to grow through doing, and you will ruin that. Do not interfere because you said you would not, so keep your word. If the task is one you cannot afford to have done poorly, than ahead of time, before they start, set up checkpoints. If the checkpoints were set in advance it does not break the trust. Ask where they are, how they will proceed and if necessary throw in a suggestion, not a directive, a suggestion, and let them decide.
It is your nonnegotiable responsibility to support and back up these people if there is a problem, unless they do something that is totally outrageous and out of synch with the initial understanding of the instructions. What you loose from the result you will gain by loyalty in the future. This is civic courage.
My Beloved Children
I spoke of people following the initial instructions, and the key to this is getting those instructions across properly. If you can do it well than it will help you a greatly and if you can’t it will hinder you and cause frustration. So here are a few tools.
Think about what is the most important part of the message. State that at the beginning, in the middle and at the end.
After you explained what you want ask the listener to repeat in his/her own words what your intention is.
People are apprehensive of the unknown. Tell them why you want something done. Ask them if they understand the larger picture. Ask them what they think might go wrong, and give them possible solutions that match the spirit of what you want.
Never say that you know how they feel, ask how they feel. Let them explain it to you, in their own words.
Never say: "I understand what you are saying", say; "If I understand you correctly you are saying."
Never ridicule a fear; they compound themselves in a geometric vector.
If you cannot answer a question, be honest. They will appreciate honesty much more than an answer that you and they know is not serious.
My Beloved Children
In the letter about heroes and leaders I wrote: "So if I have lead you this far it becomes my responsibility…" that is a key, once you take a leadership position you are bound to it because people rely on you. Everything I have written here till now points to the fact that we are responsible for one another. You cannot lead and leave; you may and should prepare others to lead. You can and should relinquish any and all authority you possibly can to the lowest possible level, but you should not betray the trust people have put in you.
But you cannot change anyone. You can provide leadership, you can provide guidance, you can set clear boundaries, but you cannot change anyone. You are responsible towards them but they are responsible for themselves. Try the best you can, but know there are limits to what you can do.
My Beloved Children
Leadership in the military needs all the tools of civic leadership and more. It needs more because mistakes in the army cost lives. Mistakes in the army mean you might loose the battle and the war.
It is beyond that; the equation is different, and the unspoken contract is different. In business or society everyone accepts more or less, that the "contract" is that you will try your best to lead well so everyone has a job, money, prestige or whatever, and if you lead poorly you loose those things. In the military the contract is that a mother gives you her child, which she carried for nine months and cared for eighteen years. Or a child gives you his/her father, their future mental health and prosperity, their naivety to safeguard. A wife gives you her love, her counterpart, her past and her future, her security, her protection. You are honor bound to a child who does not understand the complexity of things. He did not sign a contract, he does not know what a contract is, he does not know that you win a few and loose a few. He gave you his father.
As a commander, you are never allowed to forget this, ever, not for a day, not for an hour and not for a second. Maya, R’oi and Ela your father is responsible for the lives of 100 people and all that they are connected to. To their families and all their friends. To all those are employed by them and rely on them for their income. I am responsible to you. I am never allowed to take this for granted. I am never allowed to say, it’s ok we will deal with it tomorrow.
My Beloved Children
While doing things in civilian life you may experiment, you are allowed to make mistakes. In the army the margin of error is very small. When do we err? We err when we think we have the right tools to do something and we are proven wrong. We did not have the right equipment, we did not have the right intelligence or we did not have the right skills.
As you can imagine the skills and proficiencies needed in the military are a bit different than in other places. You need to know tactics and strategy, you need to know weapon systems and how to use them, you need to know to navigate and you need to know logistics. These are all things you can learn. But the hardest thing to recognize is when you do not have the right tools. I am not talking about ammunition for mortars or M-16s. I am talking about you as a commander realizing what it is you personally lack to carry out your mission. It is ok that you are not the best navigator in the unit; it is not ok if you do not recognize that and get someone that is better to do that task. You are not allowed any room for false pride, the penalty is death. The unnecessary death of your soldiers or the unnecessary death of innocent people, the famous collateral damage, or your own death, which is the easiest of them all.
So your first military proficiency is complete uncompromising honesty.
My Beloved Children
When your father goes to the army he functions under commands and orders. There are standing orders that the army has as guidelines and there are commands that are for specific actions. Orders define priorities, commands define tasks. Orders, in general have priority over commands. What is very often overlooked in the need to complete a mission is the spirit of the order. This spirit is the moral code that sets the parameters for the commands.
Recently I had an argument with my commanding officer. He said I need to train my men, in regard to a specific mission, in use of mortars. I said no, I prefer using the training time to train them in sharp shooting because our mission will brings us in contact with civilian populations and we do not shoot mortars[21] where there are civilians. He "accused" me of letting my politics interfere with my decision. I said no, you are wrong. I said that the IDF has very specific standing orders that you are only allowed to shoot a defined identified targets, and are not allowed to endanger anyone else. He was silent for a moment and said, "Yes, you are right".
He was not evil, he is not a warmonger. He does not hate the adversaries we are fighting. In his desire to prepare us for our mission he just got his priorities wrong.
My Beloved Children
During the first Intifada I was a platoon commander. I gave a direct and unalterable order that no patrol was to go anywhere without a least four men or two vehicles.
A NCO[22] of mine was on patrol in a jeep with two other soldiers. He saw a young Palestinian putting up a flag on the main road. We had a general command to take down those flags. He told the driver to pull over and jumped out of the jeep to give chase. The soldiers did not know what to do, to let him run into a village by himself is almost suicide. To leave the jeep means no jeep. To leave one soldier to guard the jeep means that that soldier would be in danger. Luckily the NCO was a cop in civilian life and used to chasing people, so within two minutes he caught the person and brought him to the base.
They told us the story, very proud of themselves. I heard the story and told the company commander that we need to do something about the NCO. He agreed and called all the guys and congratulated him on the job. I blew up and said, no you idiot we need to send him to jail. He disregarded a direct order, in doing so he endangered his life, he endangered the life of his soldiers and he endangered the equipment he is in charge off. Besides that he endangered the lives of innocent civilians because if he did not manage to catch the person so quickly we would have had a very small force divided and surrounded in a built up area that would take scores of soldiers to extract from there using lots of force.
They got their task priorities all wrong.
My Beloved Children
I wrote about the flags in the Intifada. Well to tell you the truth I told my soldiers not to deal with them. Because I was not going to risk the life of any one of my men, or any Palestinian over a flag. To stop a terrorist I will lead to kill and be killed, taking down a flag will change nothing, it’s a waste of time. On my part though I needed to be willing to take the responsibility of what I said. I told my men that if they are ever questioned about the issue, they should refer the officer to me. I would take the flack.
They all know by now that every briefing begins with me saying: "Do what I tell you and I will protect you 100%. Do not follow my commands you are on your own". A few years ago a brigadier came to our base for a meeting and stopped a patrol of ours for a spot check. He found a problem with some of the equipment and told the NCO to report to him after the meeting. He told him, in an offhand way to call his wife and say he was going to jail. After the meeting he called the NCO and asked him if the findings were correct. The NCO said yes. He said he would stand trial and go to jail. I shook my head and said: “No he won’t”, I said I am the commander, it is my responsibility and I will stand trial, it is not his fault. The brigadier did not believe his ears and asked my commander if I was serious. My C.O. said, "Knowing Amos, yes". The brigadier understood that he would loose an officer and told the C.O. to court martial me and send him the results.
Never shirk your responsibility to protect your men or the commanders under you from those above you, even if they do things that are tacitly wrong or stupid. Do not lie or distort the facts, but do not abandon them. Your task is to prepare your men for war, to gain their trust, not to cover your own ass. This is civic courage, the hard stuff.
My
Beloved Children
As you understand by now, I am not a big fan of the army. I am sorry that it is an unwelcome necessity. I would not serve in another army, for most armies do not protect the very existence of their citizens, such as the IDF does. Most armies protect the political interests of their nation.
Since I do not see glory and I do not think it makes us more "a man" - whatever that means. I see no mystical shroud around battle. I see young men scared, I see stupidity and waste, the waste of a war economy, the waste of human potential and the waste of families that NEVER recover.
I serve because I must, and since I do it, I do it the best I can. The army is a huge institution and under tremendous pressure. Some people are outstanding, some a very mediocre, most are just people. I accept that and am willing to function within the framework
After my many years in the service I have managed to understand a few things about the nature of the bureaucracy, the nature of people and the nature of the tasks. I have distilled it all down to a minimum and am at peace with it. I am not cynical, I am realistic and it allows me to function according to my principals. I understand my tasks to be:
1. To carry out the mission given me. There are only two options either get it done or die in the process.
2. Make sure that my men return safely, using the minimum amount of force. This is a paradox, but so is most of life.
3. If someone is to die, I am the first to go. I have been trained that the officer is the first in line. I have made a value based ethical judgment to serve; I therefore must be willing to pay the price.
4. If one of the above does not happen than I get court-martialed. Why? Well they can’t take a NCO because the press will say it was whitewashed. They can’t take a brigadier because A – they cost a lot of money to make, B – they cover each other’s ass. So they take a major, strip him of his ranks and stick him in jail for 3 years, everyone is happy!
5.
Ultimately, it is always your responsibility, never
rely on the cavalry arriving, everybody is busy. It is not that they do not
want to help, but it is irresponsible to rely on it. Carry ten magazines.
The bottom line is that the people who actually command in battle are the NCOs and the platoon commanders. They are closest to the soldiers and the mission. The army is cynical and impermeable. Therefore my major task is to make sure the army does not bother them. I provide a shield for them to function under, and it has been well established that I will protect them from those above us, if they function within the spirit of our mission and my guidelines.
Each
man with all his being and doing determines the fate of the world in a measure
unknowable to him and others; for the causality which we can perceive is indeed
only a tiny segment of the inconceivable, manifold, invisible working of all
upon all. Thus every human action is a vessel of infinite responsibility.
(Martin Buber)
My beloved Children
While living our lives many times we take care to watch the big things, but we miss the everyday activities that are the bricks and mortar of our lives and experiences. I want to share a few of these that have happened to me. Moments that have had profound effect on my life.
My Beloved Children
About 25 years ago, during my regular army service, I was sent as an officer to train a reserve unit. The reservists were "really old" guys in their 40’s. They were a very nice group of people most of them from farming villages, kibbutzim or moshavim[23]. They were very friendly and fatherly to the young officer who was sent to them, most of them having kids my age.
Their commander was a man named Gad Ophaz, from kibbutz Ayelet Haschachar[24]. We started dealing with the training and became friendly during the period of time we trained. What really affected me was that he treated me like an equal. Not in a military sense, but as an equal on a human level. He had no gestures or manifestations of superiority. Not because of age, or rank or life experience. He made me feel his equal. He made me feel as if I mattered.
That had an amazing effect on me. Till then I was always a student or a trainee or son. I was always defined within an interaction as having a position of some kind.
I think it was probably the most significant act that
allowed me to make my first step on my own path.
My Beloved Children
A while ago I was on my way to an appointment. It was an appointment with the Business Development people from Oracle and it took me months to organize. It was with the Director and I was very excited and hopeful. The meeting was about a software program I am working on for conflict resolution. I left home to get there in plenty of time for the big meeting. As I was driving I notice an Ethiopian man trying to hitch a ride. Since I always say that you got to spread the wealth, I stopped. I told him that I was going to Petach Tikva. He said he needs to the train station. I said that I could drop him off on the way. Great, he says, he will join me but he also has these three barrels. Each plastic barrel is 120 liter or about 40 gallons. I had taken a pick up truck so I had room in the car and agreed to load the barrels. We put in the barrels and he got in.
He immediately took out a picture of a deceased important rabbi, kisses it and then raises his palms and prays in Amharic. As soon as he finished his prayer I asked him what had crossed his mind when he set out to hitch with 3 barrels. Who did he think would stop for him? He answered: "You see I pray all the time, and God helps me".
I took him to the nearest train station, going a bit out of my way. When I stopped he said: “No”, he does not need the train station in Lod but the train station in Tel Aviv. Tel Aviv is about 20 kilometers out of my way so I explained that I am in a hurry to a very important meeting but I will let him off where there is a bus that will take him to his destination.
He try’s to persuade me that Tel Aviv is on my way. I explain that it is definitely not and I am on my way to a very important meeting. So now he simply tells me I should take him to Tel Aviv. The whole situation is so utterly absurd. So I check my watch, quickly calculating that I can just make it, and agree to take him to Tel Aviv. While driving he tells me he is on the way to a wedding and they will use the barrels to make Henna for the guests. 360 kilos of Henna.
He started telling me that I am a Tzaddik, a righteous man, and my wife a righteous woman.
He pulled out a tiny book of Psalms he has around his neck and spits on it three times and rubbed it on my head in circular motions. Then he rubbed it on my arm. All this while I was driving and he was praying.
I brought him to the Tel Aviv train station and said to him " You are either a very lucky man or God really loves you. You met the only man in the country who would; A- pick you up, B-take your barrels, C-take you to the train station in Lod, which is out of his way, D-drive you out again, E- agree to drive you to Tel Aviv which is 20 kilometers out of his way, F-all this on a day of a very important meeting. He then replied: "and I also need some money for the train"
By now the whole thing is so outrageous I just gave him all the change I grabbed from the table on my way out in the morning.
I then started on my way to the meeting, cutting it REAL close. I tried to phone the man or his secretary to say I will be a few minutes late but to no avail. I am almost never late to meetings. In the end the meeting went well, not great, just OK
So why is this a defining moment? Well, I thought the whole episode was so funny I started telling the story to others, and I explained to what lengths I went to help this man, I repeated and said that I am probably one of the only people who would have done this.
All the sudden I realized, while hearing myself recounting the story, what it implied: that I am a good and helpful person.
As Maya (my oldest daughter) say’s "Like Duhh", everybody knows that. Well everybody but me. I have never given myself enough of a break to say that I am Ok. But here I was saying that I was an Ok person. This episode changed the way I see myself, and for the better.
We all have some perceptional dysfunctions, and until something really outrageous happens it’s hard to overcome them. I had to go way out of my way to help this man, in a completely exaggerated way, before I could realize that I was Ok.
The second thing I learned from this is what true faith is. This man left his house with three huge barrels to hitch to Tel Aviv. You would think he is crazy. I would not even have considered it an option. But he had faith, and he got there, barrels and all.
It closed the circle that started with Gad. Gad opened the door for me to create my self, the Ethiopian man helped create a situation that allowed me to see how far I have travelled. He also pointed me a direction for the future: That I should have more faith, faith in myself, faith in what surrounds me and faith in the interaction between them.
A man doesn’t begin to attain wisdom until
he recognizes that he is no longer indispensable (Anonymous)
We are all here on this planet, as it were as tourists. None of us can
live here forever. So, while we are here we should try to have a good heart and
to make something positive and useful of our lives.
(The Dali Lama)
"But, my beloved children I owe you much more. I owe you an explanation of why I am going. Why I am going with the very clear knowledge that I might die, I might leave you orphaned of your father"
I believe a person must accept the starting point of his path, He must own it. I am born Jewish. My heritage was forged here. My right to be here is not above the rights of others, but it is not less than that of others.
The history of this past century has seen miscalculations on the part of Israel but no less on the part of the Arab world, and the Palestinians. Both parties are responsible for the mess, along with the help of meddling by other powers and nations.
Right now, we are in a situation of conflict. Within this situation I try the best I can to alleviate the causes and the ignorance, but I defend myself at the same time.
Because of all the above I serve in the army. Because I believe that we should either do something well or not bother at all, I serve as an officer.
Because I command the way I do, and in all modesty I do it well, my men rely on me, they trust me. This trust is trust created connecting a soul to a soul of real individual people, not an organizational hierarchal trust. This creates a very strong unit, which is very valuable for the future existence of Israel, and your protection.
Because I fundamentally hate the military and hate violence my service assists in maintaining the absolute minimum use of force possible.
Because it is the task of every individual to make the moral commitment of either tearing asunder or mending, I choose to mend. Within the framework of a very imperfect world and a very imperfect political reality, I understand that my presence in the field of battle enhances mending or at least minimizes the tearing asunder of a fragile world.
Many times I say to you that you can wash manure and mud off with soap therefore manure is “clean filth”. The filth that is really contaminating and that you cannot wash off is the filth that encompasses your soul and heart. If I did not do what I believe to be the correct moral path, I could not be the person that I am.
So you might pay this price. As I said, it is not the ultimate price. It is a dear price, but now you hopefully understand that there is honor in living a life of intention, a life of purpose. A calm, serene purpose with a sense of direction, and if I did not do this then I would pay a very dear price, the price of contaminating my soul, and yours.
So my most beloved children maybe Mr. Boubacar knew something and it will serve a purpose, as he said; "You should write a book about what you do and your perspective, but write it not for yourself, write it for others".
Hopefully he is right and I will be with you to see your children and your grandchildren, and if not, I will always be here, among these words, along this path, the path I choose.
[1] Israeli Defense Forces
[2]
The soldiers’, who walk ahead of the rest and are the first to engage in a
firefight, are called the point.
[3]
Murphy’s Law: Anything that can go wrong will, and at the worst possible
moment.
[4] An International program using sports and the ancient Olympic
traditions as a peace building tool.
[5]
An Association of National Security Experts of senior retired Army, Police,
General Security Service, Mossad, Diplomats and Government who believe that
peace is a strategic goal for Israel and that it is achieved by compromise.
[6] The Weizmann
Institute of Science, located in Rehovot, Israel, is one of the top-ranking
multidisciplinary research institutions in the world.
[7]
Ma’alot May 1994
[8] The blessing over the wine for the Sabbath
[9] International Committee of the Red Cross
[10] A commentary on the bible
comprised of six books.
[11] The holiday of harvest and of the giving of the Torah to the people.
[12]
The temporary hut that is built during the feast of tabernacles. You must be
able to see the sky through the roof, for it to be according to tradition.
[13]
A settlement adjutant to the city of Hebron
[14]
Most everyone living in the occupied territories (West Bank) is issued a weapon
by the military for self-defense.
[15]
The first Intifada started in September 1987.
[16]
There is a standing military law in the IDF that says if you are commanded to
carry out an order that is clearly illegal, you are obligated to refuse the
command. If you do not than both the commander and you are liable in court. How
do you know if it is clearly illegal, that a black banner of immorality flies
above it.
[17]
Israel’s parliament is called Knesset
[18]
The seventh President of Israel, former commander of Israel’s air force.
[19]
Shabak is the Israeli FBI
[20]
The Mossad is the Israeli CIA
[21]
A "bulls eye" in mortar fire is considered to be 50X50 meters. A very
inaccurate weapon.
[22]
Non Commissioned Officer
[23]
Farming collective and cooperative respectively
[24]
Kibbutz Ayelet Haschachar is in the northern part of Israel. Gad was one of the
contributors to the book "The seventh day" about the experiences of
progressive Israeli soldiers during the six-day war.